7. It all starts when they open their mouths.
Like fingernails on a chalkboard. One of the main reasons I have always hated the Red Sox was because of the belligerent Boston fans that insist on yelling “Go Sawks!” It didn't take me long to realize that they sound like a bunch of degenerate bastards. Thornton is prounounced Thawntin. Yeah is Yuh. The traffic is bumpa da bumpa. All the girls look like hookahs (am I supposed to smoke something out of them?). Beer sounds like beeya. There's, is pronounced theyuz and, of course, the Red Sox lose at Fenway Pahq (park for those who don't speak Bostonese). Somebody grab me an interpreter.
As Red Sox fans started finding a way to ditch their jobs of wiping windshields with newspapers, some of them found their way to the library (the big building with lots of book for Red Sox fans that stumbled in) and found a way to gain internet access, some were even able to afford computers. This was the worst thing to happen in the course of world history. They type seemingly normal. They use the the word retard (deceivingly not spelled retawd) too much, they seem to have a decent understanding of the English language (most first-graders would agree with this statement), but why the hell has someone not informed these degenerates how to turn off the CAPS LOCK KEY? I'm not gonna lie: I don't associate with many people who root for Boston. The Boston fans I do see often come into any pro-Yankees or anti-Boston area of social media and TYPE IN ALL CAPS WITH FIRST-GRADE GRAMMAR AND SPELLING. Seriously, it makes your fan base look RETAWDED. 7/16th's of an inch would make you look like you were at an 80 I.Q. instead of a 50.Somebody please teach them that, among other things, their pinky can be used to capitalize things when needed.
6. Treatment of the Steroids Issue
This was originally a contender for my top spot but then I realized it would be rude to use Red Sox fans' lack of logical capacity against them that harshly. They can't help that they were born stupid. It seems like every time I turn around, someone from Bawstin (yes that's how you sound when you say your own city's name) brings up Yankees players who did steroids and say that the "Yankees are a bunch of Cheetahs" (CNN reports that steroid use does indeed turn athletes into zoo animals). Eventually their steroids talk gets drowned out and I remember that, somehow, the Director of the Red Sox , Senator George Mitchell, got put in charge of investigating the use of steroids in Major League Baseball.
Congress couldn't possibly overlook such a glaring conflict of interest. I guess its only coincidence that so many Yankees players were on his list but any player in the report associated with the Red Sox at any time didn't have any involvement with P.E.D.'s during their glory days at Fenway Pahq. I guess Nomah's drop-off in production and increase in injuries had no correlation with the introduction of testing. I'm sure David Ortiz's jump from just barely average Minnesota Twin platoon player to superstar in 2003 had nothing to do with his later revealed link to P.E.D. use in 2003. Oh wait, you deny that he ever cheated because "Papi said so." I'm sure Mo Vaughn's numbers weren't helped by P.E.D.'s and that he really only started using them after he got injured. Didn't Pedro's numbers, stamina and reliability all go down when they started implementing testing? Trot Nixon seemed to fall of the map around the same time too. Just Saying!
5. Treatment of Former Players
You can read Pretty in Pinstripe's "Boston: Putting the B in Bullsh*t" or listen to Jay Mohr Trashes Boston Fans and you will get an accurate depiction of how I feel about how the Boston Red Sox and their fans treat former players. Remember Nomar getting trashed on his way out of town? I do. Remember Sox fans loving "Manny being Manny" until he "forced himself out of town"? Manny was a diva and you let it fly (and dare I say encouraged it) for many years. You know who else was a diva? Babe Ruth. We see how well that worked out for you. Remember the 2009-2010 off-season when the Red Sox front office made it very clear they weren't gonna play ball with Jason Bay in terms of negotiation? Somehow the Red Sox fans didn't when they booed him in a spring training game. Guess he should apologize for getting market-value. Next time the Red Sox need a publicity stunt, I hope Manny, Pedro, J-Bay, or any other former Red Sox player declines to sign the one-day contract.
April 9th 2008
Dear Bill Buckner:
Thank you for letting that infamous ball for going in between your legs in the 1986 World Series. I'm sorry the Red Sox fans blamed you for crushing their dreams 22 years ago. It must have been terrible being ridiculed until they won the World Series 16 years later. I think it's awesome that they magically love you now. And it's SUPAH WICKED AWESOME that you got to throw out the first pitch yesterday. I hope you enjoyed being a media pawn of the Boston Red Sox in their effort to bring more attention to themselves and increase the Red Sox Nation bandwagon membership.
Red Sux Nation
P.S. I really believe they should have blamed it on Calvin Schiraldi. After all, he gave up 3 earned runs in addition to the unearned run in game 6. He also blew the lead in giving up 3 more earned runs in Game 7.
4. Last Team to Integrate
The Jackie Robinson story could be very different, along with my view for the Red Sox. Watching the Ken Burns Baseball documentary growing up, I discovered that one of the few teams to tryout Jackie Robinson was the Boston Red Sox (April 1945). Despite an impressive tryout, they decided to pass and the Dodgers signed him instead. A sham tryout held by Red Sox owner and resident racist, Tom Yawkey, to appease a politician. Instead, the Red Sox became the last team to integrate more than 14 years later when they signed Pumpsie Green. Your owner's racism caused your franchise to make it's biggest mistake since selling Babe Ruth.
3. Hypocrisy, Hypocrisy, Hypocrisy... and Played Out Arguments
Ever hear of a Red Sox fan accusing the Yankees of buying a championship? Dumb question. Played out and hypocritical. I guess that the first team to win the World Series with a 100,000,000 payroll didn't buy their championship. Boston fan would argue that it was their great farm system that brought it home. Exactly how many home grown players played a major role in your 2004 World Series victory? One, Trot Nixon. Your 2007 World Series Victory? Five. When the Yankees went 4-for-6 in World Series victories, they had five core homegrown players (four of them still remain and were on the team in 2009). In addition to being hypocrites, I guess you're also incapable of basic math (5>1, 5=5).
Incapable of basic math you say? On a daily basis, I hear or see an argument of the number of championships the Yankees won doesn't matter, it's the quality. I guess that's as clever as "Shove your 26 rings up your ass, talk to me when you've won this century" was. Check, now that 27 is here, I'm talking to you and there's one simple mathematical equation you need to understand 27>7. For that matter 10>7 (St. Louis Cardinals) and 9>7 (Athletics franchise in its various cities). Until you pass one of those franchises, you have no right to even start comparing yourself to the Yankees. Just talk to a Lakers fan who tries to argue that their franchise is now the elite NBA franchise. What's that? I think it was a Boston Fan pointing out the 17 banners that fly from their rafters... and no mention of the 20-plus years in between championships. And, in case you didn't know, KG and Ray Allen were "homegrown". Sorry Boston, you can't have it both ways. If you want to say the Red Sox franchise is better than the Yankees franchise, you have to kiss Lakers' fans feet and crown them NBA elite. Either way, the Lakers and the Yankees are defending champs.
2. There Never was a Curse
The Red Sox sucked because there was a curse inflicted on their organization when they sold baseball's greatest player. In shocking news, Santa Claus came down my neighbor's chimney and scarfed down the Oreo's and milk his daughter left out a few months ago. The brown crumbs and milk mustache I saw on my neighbor's face after I helped him lug presents under the tree was just my imagination. Own your franchise's stupidity. It wasn't a curse. It was selling the best player ever to play the game. It was maintaining a racist environment and ignoring players like Jackie Robinson. It was trading Jeff Bagwell for Larry Andersen. What got you back to glory was making trades like Heathcliff Slocumb for Derek Lowe and Jason Varitek, appeasing divas like Manny and Pedro, and mimicking the franchise you despise in terms of spending habits. We all like to blame mistakes we made on something (or someone) else. But a curse?! That's almost as dumb as blaming it on a goat, sorry Cubs fans. If there was a curse, I hope that trading away Manny Ramirez marks the beginning of another 86 years in between championships. If curses are real, I hope the curse of Man-Ram is alive and well when I'm on my deathbed. After all, we do know what happened the last time Red Sox management got rid of a Hall-of-Fame caliber diva.
1. Red Sox Nation
“Red Sox Nation? What a bunch of [expletive] that is!" Hank Steinbrenner. Can't say it any better than that. Want to know how the Red Sux Nation site got its start? I was at Buffalo Wild Wings, catching a Yankees game and talking about an upcoming fantasy football draft with a friend from college. For Red Sox fans: college is when you go to school beyond grade 12.... oh wait, high school is when you go to school beyond grade 8, college is after high school. Anyways, about six beers deep, we see "Red Sox Nation Board of governors.....". The expletives flew, a bandwagon Red Sox fan in the next booth over tried to start a fight, and I went home and dedicated myself to finding a way to organize plethora Boston Hater shirts and apparel on one website. Thanks to Red Sox Nation and the unfortunate events of 2004, I can't go anywhere safely without seeing another Bandwagon fan strutting around with a B on his cap. Back to hypocrisy, Boston fan will argue that there are a lot of bandwagon Yankees fans. Yes, you made one argument that made sense (give yourself a high-five). Every great franchise has its bandwagon fans. However, I come back to math (you know that thing you don't understand especially when it doesn't work in your favor), there are more bandwagon Red Sox fans hand down... just head to your local Walmart and watch it in action.
Red Sux Nation can be e-mailed at BostonSucks@RedSuxNation.Com. Massholes, please send your e-mail to interpreter@RedSuxNation.com where a team of specialists can decipher what it says and throw it in the trash after they realize it didn't have a coherent thought.